Introspection
by DemonSaya
Summary: Takes place after the events of the most recent manga chapter Light. Introspection in 1st person. Oneshot.


Introspection

By: DemonSaya

The conflicting emotions I felt about you, the hatred, the jealousy, the anger, yet the pity and compassion as well, I still feel to this day. The one I had always wanted never was swayed away from you. You seemed everything that I could never be, holding onto his heart, stealing him away whenever I thought I might finally have him to myself.

Yet, when it has ended, why is it I feel nothing but sadness? Why can I not hate you like I truly wished? Was it the way it happened? Was it because I understood your feelings? Was it because you sacrificed to try to protect everyone all at once?

I suppose not everyone can be protected. Even when you are gone from my life, you will always lurk there, a constant memory, someone I failed in saving. Someone who I couldn't protect. Yet as you passed, you offered the promise of protection to me, to my companions. Your soul was warm, loving.

Why is it, even with the way you were when you first returned, I can't hate you now? Even when the man I love cradled your dying body, I couldn't muster my anger, I was too saddened by the fact that I couldn't save you? Only twice have I seen him crying. Once when he thought that me, my friends were dead. This is the second. There was such pain on his face, it tears me apart inside.

Why did it have to end like this?

Kouga's shards have been taken.

You have passed.

And with me you leave a mission to protect the purity of Kohaku's shard.

I can't do this alone! I'm not strong enough! I can barely hold this group together as it is! Please, I don't know what to do! If you couldn't defeat him with my help, how can I defeat him on my own? I'm not strong enough to do this...please...please help me...

Kikyou...what am I supposed to do now?

I suppose I'm crying. I have learned to do it silently from years of traveling with Inuyasha. His ears are so sensitive, he probably knows I'm crying regardless, but he wont offer me comfort. He is waiting for me to comfort him.

Can I do this alone? Without support? Oh, I know they'll try to support me. Kouga will go on about how I'm strong, how he loves me, Sango and Miroku will give me the sibling kind of affection I've come to expect from them. Shippou will try to help me when the time comes. Yet, without the support from Inuyasha, from your constant shadow, I don't know if I can.

What's strange is, you always believed in me. You sent me to that mountain knowing what would happen. You knew that I'd survive, that I'd come to help you, and that I'd bring the bow with me, and still...

Why can't I be stronger? If I'd been faster, I would have been able to save you and he wouldn't be hurting now. I'm crying for a life that got cut short too soon, and for the man I love who never loved me as much as he loved you.

I'm so pathetic.

Sighing, I stand, walking towards the hanyou who has his back to us all, even me. Silently, I sit beside him and I put my arms around him, offering him comfort. It's all I can do for him, probably all that he'll let me do. I don't expect anything in return. I never have. This has always been how it is between us.

I'm surprised when his head rests against mine, but I don't pull back. "I'm sorry..." I whisper to him, my throat thick from the tears I've shed for you both.

He remains silent, but I feel him shift and suddenly, his arms are around me as well and he's clinging to me as though I'm his lifeline. His breaths are harsh against my neck as he presses his face against my shoulder. He's shaking, and I can feel that he's crying. His tears are soaking through the shoulder of my uniform.

I close my eyes slowly and hold him. It's all I can do for him.

After all, I can't bring you back.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

_AN: I wrote this after reading the three newest chapters of the Inuyasha storyline. I honestly almost cried when I read them. Kikyou is not and has never been one of my favorite characters, but the last three chapters, the old Kikyou really shone through. I highly recommend visiting and reading the latest chapters. They moved me to write this. To those of you who wont read them, here's a memorial to Kikyou. She died, died honorably, and tried her best to take Naraku's arse out with her. May she rest in peace._


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